A Tribute To Love

Posted: May 5, 2009 in Uncategorized
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There's always a first time in every first year of everything.  So this will be a first Mother's Day that's not quite… in a way.  Don't get me wrong though.  Because I'm not crying like I used to when I think about it.  Instead I have these little comfortable pockets of flash backs in nooks and crannies of my memory that playback every so often.   

And this is one every so often memory of her going into the balcony to hang the clothes up.  I always can remember that maybe because the sound of sliding balcony doors are hardly heard around the house anymore.  Nobody knows how to slide them open so roughly like Mum does.  Dad and I jerkily push them apart like we're afraid that the gratey doors will fall on us. 

I can still feel the warm afternoon air rushing in through the doors from the bright outside as she slides them open swiftly.

Somehow all the lazy afternoons spent being the complete blob with titbits and Mum being the one to nag and bustle seem more soaked in noon sunshine coming in from the windows and more stationary than they are now.  And the one thing I miss the most is the sound of her voice in the morning updating everyone on the chores they haven't done yet.  Although I do hear her voice in my dreams of waking up to normal mornings of days long past.

Towards the end of my entitlement, Mum would say that she would wake up every morning and be reminded that she was going to leave us pretty soon.  These days, I wake up every morning and am reminded that she has long left.  Although those mornings used to be hard to get up to, these days the few moments before realisation are some of the best moments I look forward to before I go to bed every night. 

The short stretch between each time the floor bottomed out from under us were not entirely miserable.  On the contrary, we were desperately well-adapted, well-adjusted and appreciative and imbued with such great sense of humour, there were moments we were actually happier than all those sunny afternoons when we still believed some entitlements were such a bother to be privileged with.

Maybe I have arrived at the point where I don't remember the loss as much as the joy of having had those mornings, afternoons and nights … and these memories.  Maybe they were not really so perfect.  But perhaps somewhere underneath all the layers of bitterness and hate and discontent that the human race can muster, there is a core of nothing but happiness that only remembers the good part of everything. 

And short of being terribly wrong, it seems that the whole objective of my learning journey from being loved and desperately and discontentedly holding onto the fear of losing it … to being left behind with the memory of having been loved was simply to teach me what love was and is… and to lead me to where there is no want, no discontent, no bitter sadness… only the comfortable end state of memories of a wonderful past that no future can touch, change or destroy.   

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Comments
  1. Raymond says:

    That was hard to do wasn't it…hang in their girl ! πŸ™‚

  2. tom says:

    Your mother was a beautiful woman, and she'd love this Mothers Day tribute.

  3. Trailblazer says:

    What a touching remembrance . . . . so wonderfully cobbled together.

  4. Shutterbug says:

    Wow…this is such a wonderful, moving tribute in honor of your mother. :o)

  5. Sergio says:

    The life is the most important Ellen. Your memory will never forget your mother and somewhere she is still living in your feeling. Two years ago I lost my father in law. Sometimes I am sad because he has left human life but the sadness is balanced by the great moment we spent together sharing time and love to the family.

  6. Drude says:

    That's such a beautiful tribute to your mother. Beautiful description of your emotional journey through the loss.

  7. Haha… thanks Raymond… a good kind of difficult πŸ™‚

  8. Thanks Tom… πŸ™‚

  9. Thanks Andrea πŸ™‚

  10. Thanks Shaylee πŸ™‚

  11. Thanks Nikki… I'm sorry I haven't been online much either… I'm trying to pack in as much of life as I can…. and that seems to be compromising the time I spend online… being online feels like looking through a window or a TV programme about life instead of truly living it. Of course there's a hundred logical arguments against this but I still feel the same πŸ™‚ I hope you are doing well (and spending every moment living life as fully as you can… ) πŸ™‚ This is my wish for all of us who still walk this unpredictable earth.

  12. That is true Sergio… they live on. Almost as if they have never left. I feel… as if on a different level of consciousness… they are still with us.

  13. SusanMac says:

    It was so nice to see pictures of your mother. You have such great memories of your life together. It is easy to see that you and she had a bond. You will always hold her close to your heart.

  14. Thanks Susan πŸ™‚ Never was able to look at these photos before… I'm glad I'm now able to share them.

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